(from May 2011) Thoughts From Jinchang

(Oddly enough, this post has been jerked out if its place in my blog chronology to its current spot. It's from May 2011, but it somehow got moved to Feb. 2012) --------------------------------------------------- Hey, it's been a while, but I thought I'd share a few things with you that I thought were pretty profound (or at least worthy of a pause). I was in Jinchang a couple of weeks ago with my friend Charles (the video is done, but I'm having a hard time uploading it) and saw a sign that really made me think. Basically translated into English, it meant "the earth is surrounded by your beauty". It really gave me pause, and here's why. The usual perspective on the earth and humanity seems to reflect the idea that the Earth is pure and without evil/sin/whatever you want to call it, while man is a 'fallen creature' or an evolved species that has a lot of problems. While it is certainly true that humanity has its evil side and that we are capable of terrible things, we cannot forget the beauty that we find inside ourselves. Besides being nice to look at (some of us), humanity can do and has done a lot of beautiful things for each other - from a surprise party to treating a spouse/significant other to a romantic dinner, putting aside one's own desires to see the happiness in the face of another, the smile of a kid who has just been given a new puppy to hold.... There are so many beautiful things about life itself. Whether life arose out of chance or given to us by a Creator, we cannot ignore that fact that life is precious and what makes it beautiful is the essence of the fact that it can end at any time. I am so happy that I have had this opportunity to meet great new friends, new teachers, and see new places with their respective cultures. This trip has really given me a perspective on the sheer variety of ways people are pursuing or have found their happiness. Like that line from "The Bucket List" - "Find the joy in your life".  The pursuit of selflessness, willingness to help others, fit in, and truly be content may be a long journey at times, but being in that place where you are fully content with your life is worth the hardship, the struggle, the awkwardness, and the pain. I believe I have finally arrived at that place in my heart where I feel like I don't really need anything else - I really feel like I'm happy. Just content and willing to share my happiness with the world. Find the joy in your life. Find your passion and what you care about and let others in to see it. Life is too precious and too short to keep yourself hidden. Surround the earth with your beauty. That's what I've been thinking about these past two weeks or so. Sorry if it was cheesy or whatever, but to me it has been truly profound. I wish I could actually write well. ----------------------- Feel free to comment or to subscribe to my blog - it's totally free and no sign-up and I would love to hear from you!

"A Step Closer"

So I recently found a really great China blog (which, I may regret saying, is more interesting than mine....I think (?) ) - link to it at the bottom ;)

She wrote something that really touched me and sums up the reason why I loved China as much as I did and why I want to go back to China as soon as possible. 

"In China, especially recently, I live as the person I always wanted to be. That hero-version of yourself that you have in your heart. Everybody has it, I know you do, and I know that the times you ever feel most proud of yourself and when you ever feel truly happy, it’s because you’re taking a step closer to the person you always wanted to be."

That's perfect. That's exactly right. I experienced some of the most grueling tests of my life there. I truly found out what it was like to learn and actively exercise my language learning, self-reliance in the face of self-doubt, self-control in many situations, and experience true personal growth every day. China allowed me to flourish in every way possible. 

My friends know I am not exactly a friend-maker or like to be the center of attention, but Chinese people just loved me so much that I met new friends pretty much every single day I was over there. Lanzhou University of Technology, 兰州理工大学，never hosted a true exchange student before, so I was in very high demand on campus - I was famous. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like I was special and that I could accomplish anything and that with enough work, nothing was beyond my grasp.

Then I had to go home:

After I returned home, people were just as angry, if not angrier, at the government for doing this and doing that than they were before I left....mortgages/housing, credit, corporate greed, etc. - everyone feels beaten down and no one really believes that America is the land of opportunity anymore. Everything seems out of control and no one can do anything about it. People are so caught up in their careers and in their shopping - there is no sense of community in America, and I really miss that. I miss so much about China - community, my friendships, meal-time customs, "Northwestern Hospitality", speaking Chinese, friendliness, the mountains.....just so much. I am homesick for China. 


I miss that feeling of, as "Poise On Arrows" said, being one step closer to that person I've always wanted to be. I found that missing part of my heart and my spirit in Lanzhou, China....and now I'm back in small-town Texas and I've lost it.

If there is anyone out there who doesn't really know what to do with their life and wants an easy job, just apply for an English teaching job in China - all you need to teach university-level English in China is a Bachelor's Degree. As soon as I get the money, I'm going right back to China.

I want to find my true self again - I want to feel that true happiness inside again. I don't want to become 老男孩 - the old boy, the one who yearns for the loves of years gone by. I don't want this to become "Life After China."

http://poiseonarrows.blogspot.com/


*P.S. - don't forget to comment - you don't have to sign up or anything. Just leave your name and comment!!

Movie and a Little Insight

This is a movie that me and my friends made. Actually, they made it and I just played a little part because I was really busy at the time. The movie is about 4 students and their struggle in pursuing their dreams. It is definitely an amateur movie, but I believe it reveals an underlying truth about the part of the cultural mindset of the youth in China.

*Note - this is an English-subbed Chinese language movie 90% of the duration. There is a 3 or 4 minute section where it is not subbed, but you can just watch and try to figure it out :) and when "Cat" AKA Janson starts singing at the end, keep watching :)



Three of these guys are my best friends. I do not know the "scientist", Jiang Feng pronounced (Jee-ah-ng Fung), the one with the glasses, very well. However, from long talks with all of my friends throughout my time in Lanzhou and other places, the sentiments expressed in this movie are echoed all throughout China's collegiate population.

The theme is this movie is the difficulty and feeling of impossibility in attaining one's dream. It's manifested most obviously in the song 老男孩，The Old Boy, which plays after each of the four guys encounters their difficulty or distraction. It begins at 8:49. Lyrics such as

"Look at the sky and scattered flowers

They withered in their most beautiful moment

Who will remember that they ever came into the world?"

Lyrics like this are so sad and are a real reflection of the feelings of the Chinese students, which is why this song is incredibly popular among China's students and young people. Chinese students have such huge dreams, to go to Qinghua University or Beijing University (China's Harvard and Yale) along with dreams that vary from person to person, such as "Cat"'s dream to become a master guitarist. He really is very good, but there is no outlet in China for him to really make a living from that, which leaves him in the dust. He told me that the times when he is happiest is on stage singing and playing guitar, but the times he can do it are too few as a college student and will only become less after college.

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Pay attention to that, THAT is the underlying mindset. People have these amazing talents and dreams, but they have it in their head that no matter what they do, their dream will never be realized, so they do not even try. They don't try. Some of my friends wish to go to America for graduate school, but they feel the competition will be too hard in the English exam, so they are not going to try it because they, in their minds, know they cannot do it!! But their English is wonderful - they have the ability, but something about society has just crushed their initiative and self-confidence. It might also have something to do with the Chinese idea of modesty. They don't want to try because if they get the chance to go overseas, some people might think they are showing off their abilities and are egotistical, which is NOT a label you want to have in China.

This mindset is all over the place and is it one of the saddest things about China. It just breaks my heart to see people like these not go anywhere in life because of something society's drilled into them.

Near the end, there is a screen with Chinese that comes up. It basically says: "No matter how small the seed, because you don't give up, that seed can one day grow into a big and great tree....you can realize your dream in no time, but in order to realize our dreams, we expended great efforts!"

Dreams are something you have to work for - they don't just happen. They are totally right.

However, "Cat" and "Boss" have let go of that to a certain extent, because now they are both in Chicago's NEIU and will be there for 2 semesters! That's such a great thing! They have pursued their dreams!