(from May 2011) Thoughts From Jinchang

(Oddly enough, this post has been jerked out if its place in my blog chronology to its current spot. It's from May 2011, but it somehow got moved to Feb. 2012) --------------------------------------------------- Hey, it's been a while, but I thought I'd share a few things with you that I thought were pretty profound (or at least worthy of a pause). I was in Jinchang a couple of weeks ago with my friend Charles (the video is done, but I'm having a hard time uploading it) and saw a sign that really made me think. Basically translated into English, it meant "the earth is surrounded by your beauty". It really gave me pause, and here's why. The usual perspective on the earth and humanity seems to reflect the idea that the Earth is pure and without evil/sin/whatever you want to call it, while man is a 'fallen creature' or an evolved species that has a lot of problems. While it is certainly true that humanity has its evil side and that we are capable of terrible things, we cannot forget the beauty that we find inside ourselves. Besides being nice to look at (some of us), humanity can do and has done a lot of beautiful things for each other - from a surprise party to treating a spouse/significant other to a romantic dinner, putting aside one's own desires to see the happiness in the face of another, the smile of a kid who has just been given a new puppy to hold.... There are so many beautiful things about life itself. Whether life arose out of chance or given to us by a Creator, we cannot ignore that fact that life is precious and what makes it beautiful is the essence of the fact that it can end at any time. I am so happy that I have had this opportunity to meet great new friends, new teachers, and see new places with their respective cultures. This trip has really given me a perspective on the sheer variety of ways people are pursuing or have found their happiness. Like that line from "The Bucket List" - "Find the joy in your life".  The pursuit of selflessness, willingness to help others, fit in, and truly be content may be a long journey at times, but being in that place where you are fully content with your life is worth the hardship, the struggle, the awkwardness, and the pain. I believe I have finally arrived at that place in my heart where I feel like I don't really need anything else - I really feel like I'm happy. Just content and willing to share my happiness with the world. Find the joy in your life. Find your passion and what you care about and let others in to see it. Life is too precious and too short to keep yourself hidden. Surround the earth with your beauty. That's what I've been thinking about these past two weeks or so. Sorry if it was cheesy or whatever, but to me it has been truly profound. I wish I could actually write well. ----------------------- Feel free to comment or to subscribe to my blog - it's totally free and no sign-up and I would love to hear from you!

"A Step Closer"

So I recently found a really great China blog (which, I may regret saying, is more interesting than mine....I think (?) ) - link to it at the bottom ;)

She wrote something that really touched me and sums up the reason why I loved China as much as I did and why I want to go back to China as soon as possible. 

"In China, especially recently, I live as the person I always wanted to be. That hero-version of yourself that you have in your heart. Everybody has it, I know you do, and I know that the times you ever feel most proud of yourself and when you ever feel truly happy, it’s because you’re taking a step closer to the person you always wanted to be."

That's perfect. That's exactly right. I experienced some of the most grueling tests of my life there. I truly found out what it was like to learn and actively exercise my language learning, self-reliance in the face of self-doubt, self-control in many situations, and experience true personal growth every day. China allowed me to flourish in every way possible. 

My friends know I am not exactly a friend-maker or like to be the center of attention, but Chinese people just loved me so much that I met new friends pretty much every single day I was over there. Lanzhou University of Technology, 兰州理工大学，never hosted a true exchange student before, so I was in very high demand on campus - I was famous. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like I was special and that I could accomplish anything and that with enough work, nothing was beyond my grasp.

Then I had to go home:

After I returned home, people were just as angry, if not angrier, at the government for doing this and doing that than they were before I left....mortgages/housing, credit, corporate greed, etc. - everyone feels beaten down and no one really believes that America is the land of opportunity anymore. Everything seems out of control and no one can do anything about it. People are so caught up in their careers and in their shopping - there is no sense of community in America, and I really miss that. I miss so much about China - community, my friendships, meal-time customs, "Northwestern Hospitality", speaking Chinese, friendliness, the mountains.....just so much. I am homesick for China. 


I miss that feeling of, as "Poise On Arrows" said, being one step closer to that person I've always wanted to be. I found that missing part of my heart and my spirit in Lanzhou, China....and now I'm back in small-town Texas and I've lost it.

If there is anyone out there who doesn't really know what to do with their life and wants an easy job, just apply for an English teaching job in China - all you need to teach university-level English in China is a Bachelor's Degree. As soon as I get the money, I'm going right back to China.

I want to find my true self again - I want to feel that true happiness inside again. I don't want to become 老男孩 - the old boy, the one who yearns for the loves of years gone by. I don't want this to become "Life After China."

http://poiseonarrows.blogspot.com/


*P.S. - don't forget to comment - you don't have to sign up or anything. Just leave your name and comment!!

From the Spotlight

Everyone who knows me knows that I don't really enjoy the spotlight very much. I don't really like to be the highlight of the party, the big star, etc. I've always enjoyed being involved in this and that, of course - but being the 'superstar' of Lanzhou University of Technology (especially the West Campus) is something that I could never have imagined back home. Let me tell you about the happiest memory that I have of China so far.  Today was the semifinals (or 3/4 finals or something) of the music/singing/band competition on the West Campus. I was really nervous about it, because for one I was going to be singing in front of people (again...I had done it the week before for round 2) and two, I was going to be singing in Chinese and playing a guitar solo. However, once we had done soundcheck and played a little preview, I got really, really excited. First was the song Good Riddance (The Time of Your Life) by Green Day - that was so much fun to sing - my friends/bandmates really love the song and we had a blast practicing it and performing it. The crowd loved us so much, they started saying 加一 个， 加一个, which means "another one, another one!"  So we obliged! We played a song, which translated, means "the old boy". It is one of the most popular songs in China - everyone knows it. I told the crowd we were going to sing it and they all kind of looked at each other with that look of 'really? he's gonna sing that? he doesn't even speak much Chinese!' I showed them! After I sang the first line of the song, the crowd went nuts!!! It was so cool, I've never been in that kind of situation before and it made me feel so happy - so happy, in fact, that I got distracted and forgot to sing the second line! My friend Janson saved me, he saw that I forgot and sang it for me. After bumbling through the guitar solo, we got to the last two choruses and Janson told the crowd to sing along if they knew the words. Me, Janson, Boss, and the crowd all sang the last two choruses together - even the judges! People were taking pictures of us, cheering, clapping, shouting, singing, it was such a great moment that I wish could have lasted forever. I'm grinning like an idiot thinking about it now.  On that stage, I felt alive and completely and truly happy. I was with my friends, I was playing guitar and singing for a crowd that I knew loved me - it was truly one of the best moments of me life. These past few weekends during band practice have been some of my happiest here in Lanzhou. My friend Janson told me that he is happiest on stage playing music, and when I saw him playing today along with me and Boss, I could really tell. I think it might have also been true for me today. I looked through the crowd while we played our songs, seeing friends and giving them a nod of recognition; my heart leapt when I saw their faces. I feel like I've really found a home here - I don't know what I will do when it comes time to leave. That is my happiest memory of China so far.

4/4 Xi'an. Day 2: Part 2

Today, we got up early to go to the Shaanxi Provincial History Museum, which has an amazing world-class collection of artifacts. However…..when we got there at about 8:00am, there was a line of about 1000 people. Umm, yeah...we couldn't get in, because they have to limit the number of visitors each day, plus we had other places to go.  We got on a bus to go see the Terra Cotta Warriors, which is not actually in Xi'an, but in a smaller town called Lin Tong, which is about 40km away from Xi'an. After a long ride, we got there and saw the three different pits of warriors and horses and what was left of chariots. They were in all conditions of shape. Many were broken, some were half broken, some looked brand freaking new. It is a sight that can but can't be captured on video. When I read that each warrior is molded on different people, I was like "oh, that's cool, what's next?", but when I got there and actually saw that each warrior was molded on a different person, I kind of flipped out.  Every person had a different face, some with facial hair even. Different types of hair, armor, position, poses, even shoes were different depending on the person's rank. Some of the clothing that peeked out from under the person's armor in the back was sculpted differently. I was completely blown away. More than blown away - just imagine doing that for literally thousands of people. Thousands!!! I guess that's why the project was commissioned by Qinshi Huang when he was 13.  This stuff isn't made out of stone, it's made out of Terra Cotta….glorified clay. And so much of it is intact after thousands of years. Places where water had dripped in or the roof had caved in years before discovery were obvious, because a face or a hand or an arm would look like it was growing out of the ground, because the rest of the warrior had  fallen apart and become one with the existing clay/rock. It's a priceless treasure for China to have. The place is still being excavated in places, so there are spots with ladders, buckets, tools, and the general archaeology stuff. So much has been done, but there is so much left to do if there are plans to completely excavate it.  After that, we planned to go to Hua Qing Chi, which means Clear Flower Lake (if my off the top translation is right), but when we got there, the ticket price was a bit expensive, so we didn't (plus, we had heard from the taxi driver that there wasn't much to see anyway). Our next step was going to be Hua Shan, but that was changed to Li Shan, but then we couldn't got to Li Shan because it was too late in the day to try to climb a mountain (it was about 3:30/4:00pm). After not going to Hua Qing Chi, we took a bus back to Xi'an. The absolutely most crowded bus I've ever been on. It was easily over capacity by about 50 people. There were two rows of two seats and in the middle aisle, the extra people were crammed in in like sardines (yours truly included). They had even developed a special system of standing so they could fit more people - it was ridiculous. For about an hour I had to stand in one spot, without moving at all, hot as h*ll, and with a dead camera battery. I couldn't document one second of it. As I was standing there in my spot, slightly amused and slightly angry, I noticed the looks on the faces of the other people on the bus (they were all Chinese). They were as calm as Hindu cows, as if it were completely normal as sitting at home watching TV. As I was standing there in the middle of the aisle, my stomach poking into the shoulder of some random guy sleeping in his seat, his head rolled over in sleep onto his shoulder (AKA my stomach). It was in this moment - on an incredibly hot and crowded bus with a Chinese man sleeping on my stomach - that I was reminded that being in China or being Chinese isn't all about eating fantastic food and getting to see places thousands of years old in the world's oldest culture. There are always some spots that could use some polishing.  As Dane Cook says about owning a monkey: "It's not all about bananas and dancing with toothbrushes".  It's really difficult to explain how I felt in that moment - all I have is this really strong feeling, but I don't know how to explain it. Words can't always encompass what we we've seen and felt, as much as we wish they could. Just for a second - only a second, I felt like I had crossed the cultural bridge and took one step onto the Chinese side, but someone on the other side was waiting for me and said, "sorry, but you can't go any further - this area is off limits to you".  This is a terrible analogy, but it's the closest I can come at the moment to how I felt. Although this trip to Xi'an has been really fun, it's also been incredibly educational in terms of vocabulary, patience, Chinese hotel service,  and cultural gaps.  (Oh, and by the way, I disconnected the phone in my hotel room so that I wouldn't get any more 'service' calls)      :)

Thoughts

So far, after living in Lanzhou for almost 2 weeks, I feel like I have pretty much fully adjusted. The weather here is still a little annoying because the temperature varies a lot during the day. I have learned to drink hot water instead of cold, I have learned how to really use chopsticks, I have learned to walk a mile-ish to class and the library every day, I have learned how it feels to be in a place where everything is new. It is difficult to explain the concept of everything being new. New language, new people, new university, new culture, new habits, new home, and a new family of sorts. 

I have come to appreciate so much here. I have come to really appreciate friends - it’s easy to forget how much better friends make life until you move to a place where you don’t know anybody. I have been invited to eat with my teachers and friends, and it literally is the highlight of the day when I see someone I know and experience that little bit of familiarity. 


I think I’ve just begun to reach the point where people are not freaked out by me and are asking me if I can hang out on the weekend - it’s Wednesday and my weekend just got booked! It is impossible to explain how much it means to me when I get invited to someone’s home for a simple meal - it really makes me feel like I’m important to somebody here and not just another student who doesn’t really matter. I can’t explain it, I really can’t. My value of friendship has exponentially grown and although I'm making friends here, that doesn't mean I don't miss people back home.

( My ETBU Roommates - great guys)



I have been given so much and I have been really humbled at times by people’s kindness. The first few days here were not very fun and they were lonely, to tell you the truth, but I believe I have found a good group of friends and support in a lot of good people. My teachers Ma Lin, Jodie (who, by the way both have awesome kids, they are really shy and hilarious), and Stacie have been especially kind to me because they have traveled abroad and know exactly how I feel here and they know the kind of advice to give and how to deal with the different issues that come up.

I have a completely new perspective on the international students of ETBU and anyone who is part of an exchange program now that I am a part of one as well. I have so much respect for those people who come to the U.S. to study for their entire college careers - that takes a lot of guts. One semester is not so much, but still not a weekend trip, but a year or 4 years is a long time to be away from family and familiarity.

It is hard to believe I have only been in Lanzhou for less than 2 weeks - I feel as if I’ve been here for a month already. I have already begun to lose a bunch of weight from the healthy food and the sheer amount of walking - it’s crazy! I certainly have learned a new respect for the complexity of the Chinese written language - GOOD GOD….hard as freaking anything I’ve ever done. 


I spent 4 or 5 hours translating 1.5 pages of Chinese - it took forever…..but of course, it’s what I want to do and expected to do. I knew it would be hard, but knowing it will be hard and actually sitting down and working are two different things. I will learn so much, I can already tell. Till next time!